Desire Discrepancy Therapy in Plano & Frisco, TX
Desire discrepancy is not a verdict on your compatibility. It is a solvable problem, and you don't have to figure it out alone.
high libido versus low libido
One of you wants sex more than the other. Maybe significantly more. And what started as a minor difference has now become one of the most loaded, painful, and avoided topics in your relationship.
The higher-desire partner feels rejected, unwanted, and invisible. The lower-desire partner feels pressured, guilty, and broken. Neither of you knows how to talk about it without it turning into a fight- or a silence that lasts for days.
This is desire discrepancy. And it is one of the most common issues I see in my practice.
I'm Shanna Wilder, a Licensed Sex Therapist and Certified Holistic Sex Therapist with over 20 years of experience helping couples understand and resolve mismatched desire. What I know after two decades in this work is that desire discrepancy is almost never really about sex. It's about neuroscience, about nervous system states, about attachment, about the stories each partner is telling themselves about what the difference means. And it is genuinely solvable, when both partners are willing to understand what's actually happening.
What desire discrepancy therapy addresses:
Understanding why desire differs between partners- and why it's rarely anyone's fault
The neuroscience of responsive versus spontaneous desire
How stress, anxiety, hormones, and life transitions affect libido
Breaking the pursuer-withdrawer cycle that desire discrepancy creates
Rebuilding sexual confidence for both the higher and lower desire partner
Creating a sexual relationship that works for both people, not just one
Addressing underlying factors like trauma, shame, medication effects, or relationship disconnection
My approach:
When I work with couples on desire discrepancy, the first thing I do is what I call a Desire Diagnostic- a deep dive into what's actually happening for each person neurologically, historically, and relationally. Most couples are working from a fundamental misunderstanding of how their partner's desire actually functions. Once that misunderstanding is cleared up, everything else becomes more workable.
My approach is direct, evidence-based, and completely non-judgmental. I draw on the dual control model of sexual response- the accelerator and brake framework developed by researcher Emily Nagoski- as well as Gottman Method couples therapy principles. I'm not going to tell you to schedule more date nights and hope for the best. I'm going to help you understand what's actually driving the discrepancy and give you real tools to address it.
Who I work with:
I work with couples of all orientations, relationship structures, and identities navigating desire discrepancy at any stage of their relationship- from newlyweds to couples who have been together for decades. I am LGBTQIA+ affirming, kink-aware, and non-monogamy friendly.
Location and availability:
I see clients in person in Plano and Frisco, TX and virtually with clients anywhere in Texas.